I Could Have Loved You
by TheRealAmeliaPond
Summary: I can't pretend anymore. You've chosen your way, I've chosen mine.' A story of a man named Severus Snape, who dared to believe he was loved. DH compatible. A proposition to the fans in chapter 2!
1. I Could Have Loved You

**Hey you guys, took a little break from all my other stories to write this little one shot. It was an idea I'd been toying with ever since reading "The Prince's Tale" in Deathly Hallows, and I just got really inspired for. **

**This is entirely compatible with JKR's chain of events, except that it has one of my OC's that I use for my James/Lily stories, but she's in a cameo for this story, so don't worry, it doesn't change the chain of events at all. **

**Now people, I'm begging you to review. I have tried a million ways to motivate people to review, and so far none of them have worked. I really just need feedback on this because I am IN LOVE with this one shot, and I need to know if I'm the only one.**

**Happy Reading.**

**mystrymoviebrunette**

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**I Could Have Loved You**

"_I can't pretend anymore. You've chosen your way, I've chosen mine."_

Severus Snape was a cynical man. He did not trifle with such childish pastimes such as hope or faith or dreams; they only grew into disappointment and pain. He did not believe in them. He believed in desire and ambition. Desire showed you what you wanted, and ambition got you there. Highly unlike were these namby-pamby ideals of hope and dreams, which lead you to the unattainable and the foolish, only to leave you there, unable to find your way out of your despair. That was how life worked, in his opinion.

It did _not_, however, explain why he was here.

He was standing outside a house he knew by heart. It was the picture of perfection for a family home: a peach, two-story beauty with an elegant patio and crisp white trim. He'd spent many sticky, sweltering days and black, firefly-lit nights of summer here. It was Lily Evans old house.

She didn't live here anymore, or at least she wouldn't after today, if all went according to her plans. If he had any luck at all, things _wouldn't_ go as planned.

The reason his trip here was so perplexing—even to himself—was because what he was about to do was to be done with completely blind faith. He hadn't spoken to Lily Evans for nearly three and a half years, and yet here he was, on this day that was supposed to be more important than all others.

He couldn't explain what on earth had made him come here. He was a Death Eater, for Merlin's sake. He had killed, maimed, torn lives apart, yet his heart grew soft over a beautiful young Mudblood with dark red hair and mesmerizing green eyes. He was a cynical man, but yet he was here, ready to ask her for something so innocent and tender, that it would make the Dark Lord cringe with disgust if he knew of it.

All the same, he performed a quick Disillusionment Charm and snuck into the house. At first, Severus was afraid that someone would notice him coming through the front door, but everyone inside was far too preoccupied with more important details and things as they hustled and bustled about. He spotted about five women in the kitchen, chattering excitedly and laughing as they touched up their makeup, covering themselves up in towels to keep from getting makeup on themselves. He easily slipped through the entryway without alerting them to his presence, moving swiftly and silently towards the staircase. He waited for the narrow staircase to clear so he could climb it without worrying about bumping into anyone. After a dark-haired girl with blazing hazel eyes—whom Severus recognized with contempt as Potter's cousin—walked past wearing a coral gown cinched below the bodice with a gold cord, he snuck up the stairs to Lily's bedroom, where he was certain she was.

He crept down the upstairs hallway, only having a single scare as Mrs. Evans—in full formalwear, just as everyone else was—exited Lily's room, dabbing the corner of her eyes with her lace handkerchief. Thanks to a surge of good fortune, Mrs. Evans accidentally left the door open. So, with one final deep breath to steel himself for what he was about to do, he entered Lily's room, gently closing the door as to make it sound as though it had drawn closed of its own accord.

The moment he laid eyes on Lily he felt as though the wood floors had given out beneath him, the whole of his being falling again. She was more breathtakingly beautiful than he ever could've remembered. Her gorgeous dark red hair was curled artfully, swept half-up in small elegant chignon, the rest of the red curls tumbling over her shoulders and down her back. She had her dress on as well, a simple, elegant, lace-trimmed white strapless dress. Everything about her was beyond perfection, surpassing any boundaries of beauty in the confines of his mind. She looked so pure, so innocent, her eyes alight with a sort of unbridled joy that Severus had both adored and envied.

He wanted to say something clever, something memorable and beautiful that would make his appearance at all acceptable, even wanted. But no words came rose to his lips. So many things to say to this exquisite creature before him yet no words with which to express them…

"Lily," he offered weakly, his voice barely rousing to life.

Lily, who had been previously examining herself from every angle courtesy of the full-length mirror in the corner, whirled around with a look on her face as though she'd just seen—or heard—a long-lost ghost that had haunted her mind for so long. He flicked his wand, letting the Disillusionment Charm fall.

Her eyes widened in utter shock. She stared at him as though she was certain this was nothing more than a dream, her eyes disbelieving and confused. She said nothing.

"Lily," he repeated, loving the sound of her name on his lips again. A smile involuntarily blossomed across his face.

"Severus?" She still couldn't seem to wrap her mind around the fact that he was standing there, more than some illusion or dream. She looked caught between wanting to take a step towards him and wanting to take a step back. She opened her mouth to say something, but couldn't seem to make any sound. She attempted again. "What… what are you doing here?"

"It's your wedding day, Lily." Severus tried to say it as though it was a good thing, offering a very strained smile. But his own voice seemed to fight his will, and as he spoke the words, he fought the desire to cry as he thought about the possibility of her marrying that arrogant bastard.

"Severus," she said again, seeming to find that strength in her voice again, "what are you doing here?"

"I had to see you, Lily." Even as he uttered the words, he felt pathetic. He felt like a little child, needing to explain why he was here; here, where he so blatantly did not belong. He did not belong in this house, so full of happiness and love and people who exuded them both, and he most certainly did not belong in this room, with this angel that seemed to emit light with her smile. He was a creature of the underworld and had next to nothing to offer to her, except for one thing.

"You shouldn't be here," she told him, unable to sound truly cold by nature, but her tone sent an uncomfortable chill through him. She turned her eyes away from him.

"But," he said desperately, feeling himself getting sucked back to that day in the playground, where everything he'd planned for had gone so terribly wrong. "I was your friend…"

"You _were_," she agreed. Her voice sounded so wounded, so hurt, and he immediately despised himself for causing it. "A long time ago." She locked eyes with him again. "But things are different now."

"They don't have to be," Severus said, foolishly allowing a glimmer of hope to dance across his face.

"I'm sorry, but are you or aren't you a Death Eater, Severus?" she asked, her voice becoming—if possible—even colder. Her eyes were so intense—so icy and fiery simultaneously—that they seemed capable of emitting sparks. "Do you realize that I could call James right now and you'd be headed to Azkaban?"

Severus visibly cringed when he heard Lily say his name. For so many years, the two of them had laughed about him, made fun of him behind his back, and now so much was different. She not only didn't despise James Potter anymore, she _loved_ him. Loved him the way she was supposed to love him. Loved him so much she was about to marry him, to spend the rest of her life with him.

"Don't do that, Lily," he said, sounding defeated. "I would never do anything to you."

"I don't know that." Severus couldn't take the way she was looking at him, as though she had never known him at all. She shook her head. "I told you, things are different. You aren't the same person you were when we were friends and neither am I." He felt this going completely wrong, felt Lily slipping farther and farther out of his reach.

"Why did you really come here?" she asked him, her voice still so unforgiving as she crossed her arms over her chest. "I know it's not to wish me well."

"No," Severus admitted sheepishly.

"Then say whatever you need to say and go," Lily told him. "The wedding's in an hour."

Severus nodded, clearing his throat nervously. He quickly gathered his thoughts and started.

"Lily," he started off shakily, wringing his hands. "I know how different we are. And I know that it's my fault we're not still friends. I've really made a mess of things, with us." He took a strangled breath. "But I love you. I probably always have, and I probably always will. And Potter is handsome and rich and everyone loves him, but he will never love you like I do."

Lily eyes shifted downwards, towards the floor and let out a sigh. Any remnants of shock or surprise evaporated immediately, leaving only sadness etched in the soft lines of her face.

"Severus," she sighed, every syllable sounding heavy and burdensome. Her green eyes had lost their bite, retreating back into their normal gentle glow. "It is _way_ too late for this."

"No," he said immediately, shaking his head before she could say more. He strode towards her, taking her hands in his. "No. It's never too late. I love you, Lily Evans, and we should be together."

"No," she said softly, shaking her head as she reclaimed her hands for herself, "we shouldn't. You were my best friend for so long. And as my best friend, I loved you." She sighed again, feeling the sorrow overcome her. "But every time I got close to you, you startled and took off. And most of the time, you found a way to make me come after you. You were so afraid of having someone to care about, and someone to care about you."

She took about three paces back, and stared at him sadly.

He wanted at that moment for her to say that she'd still fallen for him, the way he'd fallen for her. And that the end of their friendship had broken her, as it had broken him. He wanted her to look at him with that hurting, longing sort of gaze he always wore when she was there. He wanted her to let him hold her and protect her and take care of her. And even as he caught himself hoping, he couldn't stop himself. He was too far in, too invested, and he knew that no matter what she said, he would not walk out of here unscathed. His only source of hope now would be that she would say that she had loved him, but that it was too late, that James would be her husband and not him. At least when he left, he would have the knowledge that once, for even a few glimmering moments of his life, he had been loved—deeply and truly—by an angel.

"The truth is," she continued, looking like a bandage was being ripped off this old wound, the pain suddenly revitalized and new again, "we could've had this, Severus." She gestured indistinctly, indicating the wedding. "But I never had a chance. You guarded your heart with undying fervor, and even as I tried to be let in, you pushed me away. You broke my heart over and over, and after a while, I couldn't take the pain anymore. It wasn't worth it anymore. It wasn't worth it to hold out hope in something when all I got for it was rejection.

"I could have loved you, Severus," she whispered, so many emotions filling her face. To his great disappointment, he saw that regret was not one of them. "But you made it impossible. And then James came along…"

"Oh god," he muttered under his breath, disgust etched into his face.

"…and he wanted me!" Lily said, impatient with Severus's petty remark. Her eyes were blazing with angry fire. "He didn't make me fight tooth and nail to be let in! He treated me the way I deserved to be treated! Like I was beautiful and smart and funny and wonderful! And I fell for him because of it! Because opened his heart to me! Something you would never do for me!"

Severus felt a chasm open up inside him, a vast, massive nothing. He felt nothing.

"I could have loved you, but you never let me," Lily said after a moment or two—or perhaps many, many years, Severus wasn't quite sure. Her eyes were burning with anger. "And that is not my fault. Alright? It was yours." She went to the door, with a lot of fluster and swishing courtesy of her dress, and held it open for him. "Now you need to go."

For a moment he didn't make a single move. He just looked at the spot where she had been mere moments before. The emptiness inside him was great and terrible, and it seemed to take an eternity before he understood what she had last said. And even after the words reached him, he refused to believe them for a moment. No, he couldn't bring himself to face the reality that Lily—his perfect, beautiful, amazing Lily—was going to marry the man who'd made his life miserable for his entire school life.

But they began to sink in, whether Severus really wanted it to or not. And he was forced to turn around and look Lily in the eye for what he was sure would be the last time. He begged her silently, pleading with her. For what, he wasn't sure. It was futile to beg for her love, she'd already given it to someone else. And there was nothing else he wanted from her, nothing but the love he'd never receive because of his own stubbornness.

As he looked in her eyes, he saw her sorrow, and he knew it wasn't supposed to be hers. It was his, the sorrow he'd poured into her so many years ago, when they were only children. It was the sorrow he'd passed onto her when he simply felt too full of it to bear, and in the process he'd lost her.

He stepped past her.

"Lily."

She had been ready to close the door completely, but all the same she opened it back up.

"I can't leave," he muttered quickly, shaking his head. "You have to tell me that you're happy with the way you've chosen. I have to know, or else I can't leave."

He saw her eyes soften at this, tears welling up at the sides. And somehow he just knew that she had stopped seeing the horrible monster he'd become, the same one who'd disappointed her time and time again. He knew that the way she looked at him now, she was seeing only the shy, awkward boy he'd been, the one she'd befriended, who had assuaged her fears of Hogwarts and told her she wasn't a freak. And she saw that part of him because—for even the shortest, most fleeting moment—he had resurrected him.

"I am happy," she told him, smiling widely as she let a few happy tears streak down her porcelain cheeks. "I really am, Sev."

He nodded, taking a singular comfort in that. It didn't take away the hollow feeling that was growing in his chest, but when things got really bad, he could at the very least know that he woman he loved more than anything in the world was happy.

"Goodbye, Severus."

And as quickly as her softened demeanor had come, it went again.

"Goodbye, Lily."

Severus quickly waved his wand again and he disappeared. He exited the house as quickly as he could, and ran as hard as he could, barreling down the road. He didn't want to think. He didn't want to feel.

Before he realized what he was doing, he'd already made it to where it all had started: the playground. His chest rose and fell rapidly, trying to release the breath that seemed to be caught in his chest. He paced around like a madman, not knowing what he was doing or really caring. He didn't know what he was thinking or what was happening to him.

Severus didn't know how to describe what he was feeling. He could say his heart was breaking, but it wasn't intense enough, painful enough. He glanced everywhere—the sky, the trees, the grass, the sand, the swing, the slide—trying to understand why the whole world was so still, so peaceful, when it seemed as though everything was crashing down and breaking apart. He couldn't stand it. He wanted to scream, to cry out, to yank the hair from his head. He wanted to make the world feel some minute piece of the infinite pain inside him. He wanted the world to stop, for people to stop and realize what was happening to a poor, stupid man who had dared to believe he was loved.

Yes, Severus Snape was a cynical man. And moments like these were the reasons why.

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**Now please review. Nuff said. **

**mmb**


	2. A Proposition To You

**Hey you guys! I realize none of you put this story on your alert list and therefore most of you will probably not see this, but for those who are reading this right now, you should have already read "I Could Have Loved You". **

**Okay, let's get right down to it. I was really pleased with the feedback I got when I posted this, and I am toying (I did say _toying_, alright?) with the idea of making this into a three-shot or something short, chronicling Snape's continued love for Lily. I'm not particularly crazy about the idea, just because I'm afraid it'll fizzle, but I am willing to give it a shot if I get enough support for it. **

**So yeah. Let me know. But please don't review and say something like "yeah, continue," or else I will personally track you down and strangle you. Yes, intense, I know. But you have to comment on the actual story, alright? And remember this isn't a promise. I will TRY to write something if you all give me a reason to. So get reviewing!**

**Love you all.**

**mystrymoviebrunette**


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